Bug

This past Sunday I was making my way to a friend’s apartment. We had plans to go out, as we always do, because we are very cool.

I was but 5 minutes away from her place when disaster struck in the form of a bug. Some neanderthal insect flew directly into my left eye, and in the middle of the sidewalk, I was forced to desperately pry it off my contact lens. Soon after that, my eye turned a shade of red I’d like to call “NOT CUTE”.

After about an hour of panicking over what I was CONVINCED was an exotic bug disease, my vigorous application of eye drops kicked in and I was better than ever.

 

Here, I list the ten possible reasons why this bug flew into my eye.

 

  1. He wanted to wear my shade of eyeball. He saw my eyeball and said to himself “I THINK THAT’S GOING TO REALLY BRING OUT MY ANTENNAE. I MUST DRAPE MYSELF IN THAT COLOUR.”
  2. He mistook my eye for his friend Brenda. Brenda usually looks like a human eyeball. He wanted to at least give her a friendly hug, because gosh darn it, it’s been awhile.
  3. He simply took a wrong turn. It was either go left or go eyeball, and he just really wasn’t sure which choice was the right choice.
  4. He’s a daredevil. He thought to himself “Hey, you know what I haven’t done yet? Bungee jumping. You know what else I haven’t done? Flying into an eyeball. YOLOOOOOOOOO”.
  5. He had never seen a contact lens before and figured this was his once-in-a-lifetime shot to get up and personal with one.
  6. He wasn’t himself that day. He was tired, frustrated, and generally out of it, and just didn’t care where he ended up. Happens to bugs too, y’all.
  7. He thought my eye was the door to Narnia. In his defence, if I thought I saw the door to Narnia I would also just go for it. IT’S NARNIA.
  8. He thought my eye was a mirror. He saw something in his teeth when he glanced at me, and was simply trying for a better look.
  9. He’s troubled. He loves to cause misery wherever he goes. Just last week he slapped a dog in the face.
  10. He’s a bug with a small bug brain and I’m probably over-thinking this.
Standard

Summer

Here is a list of things I have done while waiting for summer:

  1. I left my winter boots in another city in order to protest the weather. It’s worked out great so far. Really feel like the gesture sent a message.
  2. On that note, I spend at least 5 minutes a day trying on my summer sandals. They look nice.
  3. I made a playlist called “Let’s just pretend it’s summer right now. Is everyone cool with that? Should we take a vote? Looks like everybody’s into it. Sweet. Here are some summer songs.”
  4. I have shut the blinds of my apartment whenever the weather looks like the opposite of summer. Out of sight, out of (seriously deluded) mind.
  5. I researched sangria recipes. I have not made my own sangria yet but I feel ready.
  6. I purchased sunblock.
  7. I have sketched out my dream patio. It’s got room for a barbeque (does anybody know how to operate a barbeque), a few comfortable chairs, and a decorative statue of George Clooney giving everyone a thumbs up.
  8. I have photographed grass.
  9. I’ve gone for long walks without a warm hat. Sometimes, when I feel ballsy, I leave the gloves at home, too.
  10. I’ve made a list of things I have done while waiting for summer.
Standard

I’m going to build you tall

I’m going to build you tall.

 

I’m going to dress you in something real, and I’m going to praise you with words I’ve never used before.

 

I’m going to take you somewhere nice. I’m going to hold your hand. I’m going to tell you everything.

 

I’m going to teach you to love. I’m going to teach you to be patient. I’m going to teach you to cry.

 

I’m going to build you tall, so that you can always see that I’m there.

 

 

 

Standard

Ode to 7-dollar sweatpants

I knew when I saw you that I had to have you.

You were soft. You were tastefully understated. You were classy, without trying too hard.

When I approached you my heart was racing. Part of me thought we could never be together. The other part of me knew I would do whatever it took to make you mine.

As I grazed your price tag, I could feel the goosebumps forming. Would this be the kind of tale ending in tragedy, or triumph? My eyes were a well of the happiest tears when I saw it: “on sale”, for the low low price of seven dollars.

When I tried you on, the word “Hallelujah” formed on my lips. The perfect fit for the perfect price. What had I done to deserve you?

Now you are home with me, resting peacefully. I give you my word to love and cherish you for all of eternity. I’ll use a gentle detergent too I guess?

Standard

Motion

We move.

We move furniture. We move cities. We move on.

We re-arrange.

We re-arrange closets. We re-arrange priorities. We re-arrange love.

We are in motion for survival. We are frequent fliers and frequent liars and that’s no accident.  When we are hurt, torn, or otherwise confused, we turn to distraction. We cannot stay still, and we cannot always be truthful. We will run until we blister, until we know that we are stable enough to take pause.

Check your pulse when you are ready to know it.

Standard

Lottery Ticket

Last night, I was in a supermarket when a man standing in line next to me decided to hand me one of his purchased lottery tickets. In fact, he turned to me, plopped it down on the counter where I was paying, and said “Here’s a million bucks”. I’m not sure why he did this, but I’m going to try and come up with some things that may have been going through his mind when he did this:

  • He was totally into my whole vibe and didn’t know how to ask me out, so he gave me a lottery ticket.
  • He was totally into my whole vibe and didn’t know if he should ask me out because he was a good 25 years my senior so he gave me a lottery ticket.
  • He actually thought that my whole vibe was a homeless one and figured I could use a lottery ticket.
  • He is the Messiah. The Messiah is big on the lottery. Everyone will be getting a free ticket very soon.
  • He can sort of ish see into the future and knew that, at the very least, this particular lottery ticket was a total dud, so he was like meh whatever I’ll give it to this chick and look like a hero.
  • He thinks it’s good luck for winning the lottery and does this every time he buys lottery tickets. (He should maybe revisit this ritual, because it did not seem like he was a millionaire)
  • He’s a superhero, albeit a pretty lame one considering the Supermans and Batmans of this world. “Hey guy, your superpower is gifting random strangers with lottery tickets!!! YOU’LL TOTES GO DOWN IN HISTORY”
  • He hasn’t done a good deed in awhile. This was his opening.
  • Maybe I just genuinely give off a Mother Theresa kind of aura and he thought he could get in good with me
  • I imagined this whole thing. JUST KIDDING IT’S SITTING ON MY FRIDGE, THANKS TO AN OFFENSIVE MAGNET I OWN.

In any case, i appreciated it.

Standard

Full Moons

Things I’ve learned from full moons:

 

  • Nature is the single best provider of true, honest-to-god beauty. Think about how full moons look great in pictures. They will always look better in pictures than when you and your friend linked arms and winked at the camera seductively, even if your lipstick is truly on point.
  • People like to make excuses for bad behavior. For example, “I am not responsible for my actions last night as there was clearly a full moon out. To re-iterate, I refuse to apologize for throwing all those glazed doughnuts at cop cars because I was under the influence of a full moon. I did not choose to be under the influence of a full moon”.
  • We are part of something bigger than ourselves. Literally speaking, there is a whole universe out there with other planets, stars, galaxies. Put another way, that spilled Frappuccino becomes rather unimportant in the grand scheme of things, things like moons and suns and asteroids. Unless of course, you spilled it on your lucky sweater, in which case, you are permitted at least 5 minutes of whining and 20 minutes of looking forlorn.
  • There is light in everything. The moon is just one tangible example. If today sucks, find the silver lining. If you didn’t get that job you really wanted, you will get another job that you’re actually suited for. I mean maybe you shouldn’t have applied to NASA with zero experience whatsoever and a cover letter that started with “I’MMA LAND ON THAT MOON IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO” but that’s for another blog post.
  • We’re only going to be perfect every so often. The full moon only comes out once in awhile. We only appear whole once in awhile. That’s okay. That’s normal. But damn, when we look good, we look good. Is that a new haircut or are you just full-mooning it tonight???? #coiningnewterm
  • Full moons are also synonyms for butt jokes. You have been thinking about butt jokes since the beginning of this post. I do not blame you. Butt jokes are funny jokes.

 

Have a wonderful weekend.  

 

Standard