I own a luxurious stainless steel water bottle, and I bring it with me everywhere. I try to get through 2 litres of water a day because I’d like to live forever.
In any case, I often do this adorable thing where I try to drink from it before properly opening the cap. I’d like to say it’s a fun little joke I do for my friends, but it’s mostly a complete mistake I seem destined to repeat until somebody enacts a law forcing me to drink only out of cups. The best part about this whole phenomenon is that I actually mime drinking the water, even after I’ve realized that the bottle is closed. I don’t know if saving face for things like this should really be all that important to me. I do know that saving face for things like this makes less sense than the time I came up with the idea to design hats for sloths. If anybody is interested in backing me financially I have a lot of ideas.
Faking little things seems to happen fairly often, actually. When we’re alone in public, we’re suddenly receiving ALL THE TEXT MESSAGES IN THE WORLD. When we trip walking down the street, hahahahahahahaha guess what nothing happened I just decided that now would be a good time to start running towards no emergency whatsoever. When we realize we’re walking the wrong way, we stop, pretend to have a bright idea, and then turn around to walk in the correct direction. We’re embarrassed a lot because lots of embarrassing things happen.
I like to think that even the queen of England has those days where she spills something in front of a fantastical combination of friends and strangers. I also like to think she then says NO OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SAVE THE CRUMPETS I THINK I JUST MADE THEM SOGGY HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT SOGGY CRUMPETS WHAT AM I AN ANIMAL I’M THE QUEEN OF BLOODY ENGLAND WHAT ARE SOME MORE ENGLISH STEREOTYPES OR BUZZWORDS I CAN WORK IN HERE ALSO HOW DO I END THIS SENTENCE NOT AS THE QUEEN BUT AS THE AUTHOR OF THIS THING THERE IS NO WAY OUT I’M GOING TO JUST SLIP OUT QUIETLY BYE GUYS THIS HAS BEEN A COLOSSAL MISSTEP.
I don’t know about you (or do I? or don’t I? or do I?), but I act a fool on the regular. Not only is it just something to just embrace, but it’s an opportunity to recognize that most people who see us screw up don’t even care and will promptly forget it ever happened. There are exceptions to this rule because there are cameras in our phones and people know how to use them, but most of the time, goldfish memories everywhere.
We are primed to look faultless. We are the opposite of faultless. We eat, live, and breathe faults. The person next to you is about to miss the chair when he sits down, and you’ll do the same thing tomorrow. Accept how ridiculous, lost, lonely, or dim-witted you and I both looked today. Don’t try to fix it; in the grand scheme of things, it deserves less brain space than most anything. While you’re at it, feel free to ask me if I’m actually drinking this water or if I forgot to open the bottle again.