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Water Bottle

I own a luxurious stainless steel water bottle, and I bring it with me everywhere.  I try to get through 2 litres of water a day because I’d like to live forever.

In any case, I often do this adorable thing where I try to drink from it before properly opening the cap. I’d like to say it’s a fun little joke I do for my friends, but it’s mostly a complete mistake I seem destined to repeat until somebody enacts a law forcing me to drink only out of cups.  The best part about this whole phenomenon is that I actually mime drinking the water, even after I’ve realized that the bottle is closed. I don’t know if saving face for things like this should really be all that important to me. I do know that saving face for things like this makes less sense than the time I came up with the idea to design hats for sloths. If anybody is interested in backing me financially I have a lot of ideas.

Faking little things seems to happen fairly often, actually. When we’re alone in public, we’re suddenly receiving ALL THE TEXT MESSAGES IN THE WORLD. When we trip walking down the street, hahahahahahahaha guess what nothing happened I just decided that now would be a good time to start running towards no emergency whatsoever. When we realize we’re walking the wrong way, we stop, pretend to have a bright idea, and then turn around to walk in the correct direction.  We’re embarrassed a lot because lots of embarrassing things happen.

I like to think that even the queen of England has those days where she spills something in front of a fantastical combination of friends and strangers. I also like to think she then says NO OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SAVE THE CRUMPETS I THINK I JUST MADE THEM SOGGY HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT SOGGY CRUMPETS WHAT AM I AN ANIMAL I’M THE QUEEN OF BLOODY ENGLAND WHAT ARE SOME MORE ENGLISH STEREOTYPES OR BUZZWORDS I CAN WORK IN HERE ALSO HOW DO I END THIS SENTENCE NOT AS THE QUEEN BUT AS THE AUTHOR OF THIS THING THERE IS NO WAY OUT I’M GOING TO JUST SLIP OUT QUIETLY BYE GUYS THIS HAS BEEN A COLOSSAL MISSTEP.

I don’t know about you (or do I? or don’t I? or do I?), but I act a fool on the regular. Not only is it just something to just embrace, but it’s an opportunity to recognize that most people who see us screw up don’t even care and will promptly forget it ever happened. There are exceptions to this rule because there are cameras in our phones and people know how to use them, but most of the time, goldfish memories everywhere.

We are primed to look faultless. We are the opposite of faultless. We eat, live, and breathe faults.  The person next to you is about to miss the chair when he sits down, and you’ll do the same thing tomorrow. Accept how ridiculous, lost, lonely, or dim-witted you and I both looked today. Don’t try to fix it; in the grand scheme of things, it deserves less brain space than most anything. While you’re at it, feel free to ask me if I’m actually drinking this water or if I forgot to open the bottle again.

https://twitter.com/Liyasnightlight

https://www.facebook.com/hologramtheories

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False Hope

Ah, false hope.

You are a dazzling mind-bender, a mirage in a desert I stubbornly insist on wandering in. You are the white lie I believe is right and true, despite all evidence to the contrary. You are the ledge I hold onto, hoping help is on the way. You are the rumor that is too good to be true. You are a false idol, but I pray to you every night.

You are not real. You are an idea that should never have made it out of my dreams. You are a walking disaster, and you hold my hand as you lead me into the unknown. You are currying favor with everything I love, and so I see you in everything I do. The truth hurts but you paralyze.

You are present in my heartbreak, my anxiety, my regret. Sometimes you tiptoe around, so I don’t even hear you. You are clever that way. Sometimes I don’t see you for days, weeks, months. But you are as impossible to shake as you are comforting.

You, who I can never see coming for me. You are obvious, blatant, and downright crass whenever you plague my friends, my family, my peers. I can warn those I love against trusting you whenever you appear to them. When you come for me, however, I open my home to you. I offer you room and board, free of charge.

Ah, false hope. None of us will ever truly be rid of you. But we will learn to work alongside you, mostly undisturbed.  

https://twitter.com/Liyasnightlight

https://www.facebook.com/hologramtheories

 

 

 

                                         

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Stages of homesickness

  1. Move away. Immediately idealize your new city. It is unexplored, untouched, and generally rife with possibility. You’ve seen movies. You know how great this is going to be. Nod to yourself approvingly because OH MY GOD how brave are you to start over in a new place?
  2. Get settled in your new apartment. Learn the ins and outs of your new neighborhood. THERE IS SO MUCH TO SEE! WHO EVEN HAS THE TIME? LIFE IS FULL OF PRECIOUS BLESSINGS.
  3. Cry.
  4. See, you have come to the sudden realization that leaving the city your parents grew you in is both strange and unsettling. Maybe you’ll just take a nap today.
  5. Romanticize your hometown. It is perfect. You know it like the back of your unsteady hand. Your friends and family are there, and they GET YOU. Maybe you’ll just go back for a teensy visit and then oh holy stunted adulthood please don’t make me go back to new city.
  6. You know what? New city isn’t so bad. You are meeting people here, going out, and socializing. It’s going to be a process before this really feels like home but you’re totally starting to get the hang of it. YOU ARE NAILING THIS. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.
  7. Cry.
  8. You really are going out a lot though. You are having “the FUN”.  New city is a shiny treasure map and by golly you are one gung-ho pirate.
  9. Cry.
  10. Have a moment of clarity, wherein you understand that just because this isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not right.  You moved here for a reason, be it for your graduate degree, a job, or whatever else, and that wasn’t a decision you took lightly. You’ve made friends in new city, and you’re starting to understand how things work here. Change is twisted, after all. You’ll have dark nights where you call Status Quo up, begging it to take you back into its familiar arms. Ultimately, you and new city will get along like gangbusters. It just takes time, the right attitude, and some breathing exercises. 
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Things

These are the things we’d talk about if there were things we could talk about:

Your day, my day, other days. Love and loss and little revelations. Likes and dislikes and memories. Lies and truths and the in-betweens.

If we could talk about things we’d talk about all the things and sometimes no things at all. Because things are complex and things have consequences. Things are stories and regrets and mistakes. Things are honest. Things have layers. To talk about things would mean we’d have a thing and that’s something that you promised you’d never give me, before you changed your mind over and over.

If we talked about things you might be better off, but I’m certain I wouldn’t be. All of the things were your things, because it was always about you. A lot of the things you did, all that time ago, left me feeling things I don’t like. So we’ll leave things alone and wonder if anything we had was real.

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My 2014 resolutions

  1. Incorporate many varieties of seafood into my diet, because often cooked seafood looks the same way it did when it was alive. I am very uncomfortable with this, and yet I feel as though there is some deep, metaphorical lesson to be learned here. With time, not only will I be able to eat all types of seafood, but I will learn this lesson.  It will have a deep impact on me.
  2. Walk the family dog whenever I’m in town. This will mean more bonding between us, and perhaps in the long run I will receive the same love from him that my father does. This love will be the kind of love that inspires me to do something great with my life. Probably.
  3. Wear even more black. I wear a lot of black already but the more black I wear the more people will respect me. I will need this respect for real life stuff.
  4. Do a better job of keeping my apartment clean. I heard something about Feng Shui 10 years ago and it sounded pretty cool.
  5. Go clubbing. This is how I am going to free my spirit through dance and inappropriate advances from strangers.  Not to mention I might finally learn to walk in heels.
  6. Call my friends instead of texting them. Hearing his/her voice is important, and video chatting is only for supermodels and/or pretending not to watch yourself when really all you’re doing is watching yourself.
  7. Do volunteer work. This will translate into “having things to do” and all that time I devote to being Beyonce in front of my mirror really isn’t doing anything for my resume, or mankind.
  8. Purchase a raincoat. It won’t look cute, but practicality is the mark of a real adult. Plus, I’ll stay dry, so, that’s a thing.
  9. Keep a journal, and write in it once a day. That way, I won’t be tempted to make everyone who follows me on social media aware of all of the boring things I do. I’ll have already told someone; me. Me is enough, sometimes (unless I take a great picture and apply such a spot-on filter that everyone MUST SEE IT).
  10. Learn the differences between types of wine. I’m getting to a point where bartenders just want to mother me because wine confuses me endlessly, even if it’s usually what I order.
  11. Check out museums for all that culture people keep telling me about. When inside a museum, actually read the little plaques that accompany the pictures, sculptures, images etc. They are not just there for you to nod at and immediately ignore.
  12. Stop downloading sad music. This is what we gravitate to when we are sad. This will make things so much worse and TOO INTROSPECTIVE. Only download happy music, or pay the price later.  Hello breakups, bad days at the office, and generally anything not good: meet the sad music that will DRIVE YOU INTO A DEPRESSION YOU DID NOT NEED TO EXPERIENCE.
  13.  Try weird flavours of gum. I don’t have a good reason for this, I’m just trying to be adventurous, but not so adventurous that I experience fear of any kind.
  14. Find a way to tell people you eat gluten-free that won’t make them roll their eyes. This will be a challenge, but it happens often enough that it needs to be dealt with. I won’t be making apologies for my sensitive stomach but I will be rocking your world with how pretend-casual I am about it.
  15. Suck it up, and admit to really enjoying unattractive pyjamas.
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