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Lottery Ticket

Last night, I was in a supermarket when a man standing in line next to me decided to hand me one of his purchased lottery tickets. In fact, he turned to me, plopped it down on the counter where I was paying, and said “Here’s a million bucks”. I’m not sure why he did this, but I’m going to try and come up with some things that may have been going through his mind when he did this:

  • He was totally into my whole vibe and didn’t know how to ask me out, so he gave me a lottery ticket.
  • He was totally into my whole vibe and didn’t know if he should ask me out because he was a good 25 years my senior so he gave me a lottery ticket.
  • He actually thought that my whole vibe was a homeless one and figured I could use a lottery ticket.
  • He is the Messiah. The Messiah is big on the lottery. Everyone will be getting a free ticket very soon.
  • He can sort of ish see into the future and knew that, at the very least, this particular lottery ticket was a total dud, so he was like meh whatever I’ll give it to this chick and look like a hero.
  • He thinks it’s good luck for winning the lottery and does this every time he buys lottery tickets. (He should maybe revisit this ritual, because it did not seem like he was a millionaire)
  • He’s a superhero, albeit a pretty lame one considering the Supermans and Batmans of this world. “Hey guy, your superpower is gifting random strangers with lottery tickets!!! YOU’LL TOTES GO DOWN IN HISTORY”
  • He hasn’t done a good deed in awhile. This was his opening.
  • Maybe I just genuinely give off a Mother Theresa kind of aura and he thought he could get in good with me
  • I imagined this whole thing. JUST KIDDING IT’S SITTING ON MY FRIDGE, THANKS TO AN OFFENSIVE MAGNET I OWN.

In any case, i appreciated it.

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Full Moons

Things I’ve learned from full moons:

  • Nature is the single best provider of true, honest-to-god beauty. Think about how full moons look great in pictures. They will always look better in pictures than when you and your friend linked arms and winked at the camera, even if your lipstick is truly on point.
  • People like to make excuses for bad behavior. For example, “I am not responsible for my actions last night as there was clearly a full moon out. To re-iterate, I refuse to apologize for throwing all those glazed doughnuts at cars because I was under the influence of a full moon. I did not choose to be under the influence of a full moon”.
  • We are part of something bigger than ourselves. Literally speaking, there is a whole universe out there with other planets, stars, galaxies. Put another way, that spilled Frappuccino becomes rather unimportant in the grand scheme of things, things like moons and suns and asteroids. Unless of course, you spilled it on your lucky sweater, in which case, you are permitted at least 5 minutes of whining and 20 minutes of looking forlorn.
  • There is light in everything. The moon is just one tangible example. If today sucks, find the silver lining. If you didn’t get that job you really wanted, you will get another job that you’re actually suited for. I mean maybe you shouldn’t have applied to NASA with zero experience whatsoever and a cover letter that started with “I’MMA LAND ON THAT MOON IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO” but that’s for another blog post.
  • We’re only going to be perfect every so often. The full moon only comes out once in awhile. We only appear whole once in awhile. That’s okay. That’s normal. But damn, when we look good, we look good. Is that a new haircut or are you just full-mooning it tonight???? #coiningnewterm
  • Full moons are also synonyms for butt jokes. You have been thinking about butt jokes since the beginning of this post. I do not blame you. Butt jokes are funny jokes.

Have a wonderful weekend.

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Stranger

Today on the subway I saw what can only be referred to as a “cool dude”.  He looked to be in his late 50’s, had on a leather jacket, combat boots, lots of bling, and a goddamn fantastic multi-colored bandana. Based solely on his looks, I will expertly deduce the things that have 100% definitely for sure without a doubt happened to him in his lifetime:

  1. He’s been married four times, but not because he made for a bad husband. In actuality, he just wanted, nay NEEDED to spread the love. Sharing is caring and he’s so interesting and outrageous that it just wouldn’t be fair to only let one chick be his first lady. The fourth one is definitely on her way out, I could tell by the way he was sizing me up. Sorry mom and dad, school’s for NERDS and I’ve found the man who’s going to show me the yellow brick road of freedom.
  2. He’s part of a band, and he’s the multi-faceted, mysterious, complex, misunderstood wily lead singer. He has a very soulful voice and as a result has had many a clothing article thrown at him whilst on stage. He has dated a fan, and she will never love another the way she loved him.
  3. He has a pet chimpanzee. Is that legal? WHO CARES? THEY NEED EACH OTHER.
  4. Bigfoot is a personal friend of his. They have tea from time to time, but they’re both just so busy being fresh to death that it’s hard to properly keep in touch.
  5. He has one daughter. She will never date anyone for fear of subjecting them to dad’s wrath. And dad’s wrath involves his dope pimp cane.

 

I think I probably nailed this.  

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Hats

I love hats. Enjoy this list of reasons explaining why I love hats then feel free to buy me hats.

  1. Bad hair days. This is a classic. Sometimes you wake up and you just think to yourself “…damn, there’s no way around it, I look as if I have no one in my life who loves me”. I thank Beyoncé for telling us we all wake up looking flawless but honestly, it’s only Beyoncé who wakes up looking flawless. The rest of us wake up looking like creatures from Stephen King’s nightmares.
  2. Outfit enhancing. Big, floppy hats or slouchy beanies make us all look like we’re so cool we didn’t even try to look this cool when actually we did try to look this cool and are we looking cool can someone confirm we’re looking cool? Hats add a je ne sais quoi to what might otherwise be a rather boring outfit.
  3. Comfort. For the love of cozy kittens, hats are like comforters for your head. It’s like hey, I’m cold, let me put something on my head. Or hey, this chair sucks, let me cushion my head. How about hey, this pillow isn’t doing it for me, let me put another pillow-like thing on my head. Of course, if you’re wearing a baseball cap, this applies less. Those hats are better for giving you slight soreness and, once removed, ugly forehead.
  4. Going incognito. You probably don’t really need to go incognito unless you’re mad famous dawg, but hey sometimes we all need a little “DON’T LOOK AT ME. DO. NOT. LOOK. AT. ME. I’.M. NOT. EVEN. HERE”. In any case, if you’re trying to go undercover, may I also suggest sunglasses?
  5. Supporting something. Fan of a sports team? There’s a hat for that. Fan of your workplace? There’s probably a hat for that. Fan of a band? If there isn’t a hat for that I guarantee you can at least find a t-shirt. Support away, baby.

 

 I own about 4 hats. Here’s to many more. 

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Scars

Calm down, because this post isn’t going to be about “emotional scars”, although MOM SERIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME UGGS IN HIGH SCHOOL EVERYBODY ELSE HAD THEM.

Here are some categories of physical scars instead. How fun!

  • The “Hero” Scar: This is the scar you have because you did something so goddamn wonderful that God himself automatically exclaimed “oh em gee here you go human, here is the code word for the pearly gates, which you will only need after you live the coolest, longest life ever”. For example, I have a scar underneath my left knee from the time I saved my dog from another dog who, fun fact, chose to viciously bite me instead.
  • The “What Can I Pretend Happened” Scar: This is the scar that happened in an embarrassing, highly avoidable and/or pathetic way. This time, the only reason God was paying attention was so he could vigorously pretend you were an accident. I don’t know why God is figuring so prominently in this blog post. For example, my second week on exchange I managed to slice my finger open with a knife whilst trying to open a package in the kitchen. I needed minor surgery for nerve damage. I have no doubt my parents are still wondering how they can spin the story.
  • The “Uh?” Scar: This is the scar you know you have, because you’ve seen it, but you have never figured out how it happened. This is the scar that is more puzzling than the reason for Pitbull’s music career (although sidebar, that song “Timber” is catchy and I want it to be the soundtrack to everything I do).  For example, I have on my chest a super faint white scar that I fail to understand. Straight up, what happened to me? Aliens? Probably the alien thing.
  • The “Athlete” Scar: This is the scar that was incurred while playing a sport. You gave it your all, you probably scored a goal or something, but you still ended up injured as all hell. I’d like to give an example of my own, but one does not exist, because I barely know what sports are. I do use the gym though, because HEALTH! Right? No scars from that yet although I definitely wouldn’t rule it out in the future, those machines are dangerous.
  • The “Someone Else Is A Real Dillhole” Scar: This is the scar that somebody else caused. This is the scar that was out of your control. This is not to be confused with the “Hero” scar because in this case, you didn’t actually do anything nice for anyone. You didn’t actually do anything at all. The scar just happened to you because someone else sucks.  Again, I don’t have an example, but I imagine it goes something like “YOU DEFINITELY PUSHED ME OFF OF THIS LEDGE. I WAS JUST EATING MY LUNCH ON THIS LEDGE. NOW I’M ON THE GROUND, LUNCHLESS AND LEDGELESS. WITH SCAR. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME????”

So, have fun revisiting all your scars and trying to categorize them. I’m sure I forgot some categories. I’m not perfect. 

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Solid Ground

 

I’m a breakthrough-in-training.

 

I’m learning, slowly, what I live for, though this changes daily. I’m gaining confidence, losing it, regaining it, losing it. I’m laughing at my missteps, right before they hurt me all over again.

 

I’m going to be a fully-formed me, but in time.

 

I’m a small revolution caught in the net of a bigger one. I’m still growing, underneath a magnifying glass of my own making.

 

We’re meant for important truths, ones that live on solid ground. Until then, we float. Until then, we try. 

 

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Adult

Now, I’m only 22 (for another month) but here are some lessons I’ve learned about “growing up”:

  1. At a certain point your metabolism sits you down and says “I think we should start seeing other people” and moves on to a younger model immediately. As an adult, you actually have to do things like eat right and work out to maintain your figure/overall health.
  2. Everything costs money. Credit card bills need to get paid. Watching your spending becomes a thing. I have said “first drink is on me” to many people, but I have checked, and it turns out I am not made of money. Better luck next promise.
  3. Driving was fun for about 5 minutes after I got my license. In the years that followed, it became a real pain in my rear. Parking? What makes you think I’m interested in doing that? Hello public transportation, you beautiful little treat.
  4. Finding a job is not as easy as realizing your next-door-neighbor has a kid that could REALLY USE YOUR BABYSITTING SKILLS. It takes work, determination, and optimism in the face of rejection.
  5. This one goes out to all the people who live alone: there is no one else around to kill that spider for you.
  6. You might not be able to continue wearing offensive clothing. Goodbye, tank top with massive middle finger on it. Actually, that may never have been appropriate. 
  7. You need to liberate space in your brain for learning, so that you can keep up in school or in your place of work. Knowing an entire Kanye West song off by heart is less and less impressive as the years roll on.
  8. Go out and party when there’s all this nothing to do in bed? I DON’T THINK SO. Generally, if the weather is in any way “not spring” or “not summer”, there’s no real reason for me to try and have any fun.
  9. Saying “like” in every sentence is akin to dragging your nails down a chalkboard. I can’t get away with this anymore, but dear god do I want to.
  10. Music is too loud. TV is too loud. Everything is too loud, including my own thought process. Peace and quiet for the absolute win.

 

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