How to survive the cold weather

  • Wear two jackets. You’ll not only look fierce, but if you fall on ice you’ll be all like WHO CARES I GOT MAD PADDING Y’ALLLLLLLL.
  • Bring a warm drink with you everywhere. This is useful for heating up from the inside out and accidentally heating up from the outside in (I like to spill it spill it, you like to spill it spill it, we like to, SPILL IT).
  • Crank up the heating in your apartment such that your monthly utilities bill is the highest bill in all the land.
  • Microwave all your food, not because the food will be hot, but because sitting on a warm microwave while you eat said food is what dreams are made of.
  • Get a pet and cuddle the love right out of it.
  • Build a fireplace in your heart.
  • Do a lot of cardio in virtually every single situation you find yourself in. Cardio while watching TV? DONE! Cardio while cooking? MAYBE NOT THE SMARTEST IDEA BUT DONE. Cardio during a class presentation? BONUS POINTS FOR CREATIVITY AND DONE. Cardio while using scissors? HOSPITAL VISIT BUT IT’LL BE WARM THERE ANYWAY SO…DONE.
  • Travel to an exotic locale. Realize you were meant to live in this place and burn through your money trying to not ever leave. Also maybe get an actual burn. That’ll be uncomfortable but there’s no better way to feel too hot if that’s what you’re into.
  • Step into fire. This is not ideal but in a way it kind of is because it gets the job done.
  • Maybe just never go outside. It’ll be weird and you’ll get lonely. You might lose your job or your friends. You may even get kicked out of school but damn homey, you’ll be as warm as the day is long (in the summertime though….during the winter I think we can all agree days are less long and more so short I feel the sads coming on by 4 o clock).

Stay warm, interwebs.


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