Calm down, because this post isn’t going to be about “emotional scars”, although MOM SERIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME UGGS IN HIGH SCHOOL EVERYBODY ELSE HAD THEM.

Here are some categories of physical scars instead. How fun!

  • The “Hero” Scar: This is the scar you have because you did something so goddamn wonderful that God himself automatically exclaimed “oh em gee here you go human, here is the code word for the pearly gates, which you will only need after you live the coolest, longest life ever”. For example, I have a scar underneath my left knee from the time I saved my dog from another dog who, fun fact, chose to viciously bite me instead.
  • The “What Can I Pretend Happened” Scar: This is the scar that happened in an embarrassing, highly avoidable and/or pathetic way. This time, the only reason God was paying attention was so he could vigorously pretend you were an accident. I don’t know why God is figuring so prominently in this blog post. For example, my second week on exchange I managed to slice my finger open with a knife whilst trying to open a package in the kitchen. I needed minor surgery for nerve damage. I have no doubt my parents are still wondering how they can spin the story.
  • The “Uh?” Scar: This is the scar you know you have, because you’ve seen it, but you have never figured out how it happened. This is the scar that is more puzzling than the reason for Pitbull’s music career (although sidebar, that song “Timber” is catchy and I want it to be the soundtrack to everything I do).  For example, I have on my chest a super faint white scar that I fail to understand. Straight up, what happened to me? Aliens? Probably the alien thing.
  • The “Athlete” Scar: This is the scar that was incurred while playing a sport. You gave it your all, you probably scored a goal or something, but you still ended up injured as all hell. I’d like to give an example of my own, but one does not exist, because I barely know what sports are. I do use the gym though, because HEALTH! Right? No scars from that yet although I definitely wouldn’t rule it out in the future, those machines are dangerous.
  • The “Someone Else Is A Real Dillhole” Scar: This is the scar that somebody else caused. This is the scar that was out of your control. This is not to be confused with the “Hero” scar because in this case, you didn’t actually do anything nice for anyone. You didn’t actually do anything at all. The scar just happened to you because someone else sucks.  Again, I don’t have an example, but I imagine it goes something like “YOU DEFINITELY PUSHED ME OFF OF THIS LEDGE. I WAS JUST EATING MY LUNCH ON THIS LEDGE. NOW I’M ON THE GROUND, LUNCHLESS AND LEDGELESS. WITH SCAR. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME????”

So, have fun revisiting all your scars and trying to categorize them. I’m sure I forgot some categories. I’m not perfect. 


8 thoughts on “Scars

  1. Oh, my God. You just helped me to explain that hideous scar on my calf. “There I was, trying to help an old lady across a horribly busy highway, when……”
    thank you.

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