Today on the subway I saw what can only be referred to as a “cool dude”. He looked to be in his late 50’s, had on a leather jacket, combat boots, lots of bling, and a goddamn fantastic multi-colored bandana. Based solely on his looks, I will expertly deduce the things that have 100% definitely for sure without a doubt happened to him in his lifetime:
- He’s been married four times, but not because he made for a bad husband. In actuality, he just wanted, nay NEEDED to spread the love. Sharing is caring and he’s so interesting and outrageous that it just wouldn’t be fair to only let one chick be his first lady. The fourth one is definitely on her way out, I could tell by the way he was sizing me up. Sorry mom and dad, school’s for NERDS and I’ve found the man who’s going to show me the yellow brick road of freedom.
- He’s part of a band, and he’s the multi-faceted, mysterious, complex, misunderstood wily lead singer. He has a very soulful voice and as a result has had many a clothing article thrown at him whilst on stage. He has dated a fan, and she will never love another the way she loved him.
- He has a pet chimpanzee. Is that legal? WHO CARES? THEY NEED EACH OTHER.
- Bigfoot is a personal friend of his. They have tea from time to time, but they’re both just so busy being fresh to death that it’s hard to properly keep in touch.
- He has one daughter. She will never date anyone for fear of subjecting them to dad’s wrath. And dad’s wrath involves his dope pimp cane.
I think I probably nailed this.