comedy, humour

Tea

I love flavoured hot water. So yeah. I throw an alarming amount of money at tea.

When I feel like a fancy lady I go to specialty tea shops and nod along as I convincingly pretend to listen to the many, many benefits of drinking different types of tea. Oh this one makes my skin look 200 years younger? This one is the cure to the common cold? You say this one, this one right over here, this one allows me to travel through time? JUST POINT ME TO THE ONE THAT TASTES LIKE A CUPCAKE COVERED IN FRIENDSHIP AND LET’S CALL IT A DAY.

My quest for the perfect tea is a cruel journey I do not wish on anyone. Here are five flavours of tea I can’t seem to find anywhere.

  1. Voicemail Remover Tea
    1. This one goes out to all my people who leave voicemails that go on long enough to warrant you a brand new identity in a place too far for the voicemail recipient to ever be able to afford to call you back and judge you. You know what I’m talking about. The voicemail starts out real nice and straightforward. You need to call someone to tell them something and oops they don’t pick up but hey that’s what voicemail is for and somehow now I’m leaving you a message about the dressing I put on my salad today. Drink this tea and not only do you taste a hint of vanilla but all of a sudden you’ll have the option to remove a voicemail message from someone else’s phone, and simultaneously erase their memory in case they already heard it.
  2. Very Affordable Euro-Trip Tea
    1. You know what’s the most fun? Travelling to Europe. It’s culturally diverse, beautiful, and rich in history. Plus you’ll meet a whole bunch of wonderful strangers. For funsies though, let us remember that travel is expensive in general. Travel to Europe is the most expensive. So what does one do when one needs a new profile picture for Facebook, if one can’t just up and travel to Europe? Everyone knows THE BEST PROFILE PICTURES ARE TAKEN IN EUROPE (and all that other nonsense about how travelling to Europe is rewarding and forget it I just want that profile picture set against a backdrop that says “Hey man. I’m just hanging out and minding my own business IN FRANCE SO ZUT ALORS YOUR WAY OUT OF MY FACE”). Drink this chai-flavored tea and find yourself with a fancy vacation in Europe for the price of [insert small amount of money here].
  3. All-Inclusive Netflix Tea
    1. I appreciate Netflix for what it is and all the drop-dead-gorgeous convenience it offers me. But because of things like running a business and finances and revenue streams and other bananas stuff like that, not every show and/or every movie is available on Netflix. This is just the way the world works, you greedy gargoyles, so stop complaining. But if I may (complain), I’m really not impressed with the fact that television gems like “The O.C” are not available to me on command. Drink this zesty orange tea, and find yourself watching all the soapy drama or reality television you want because it is now all here for you in one user-friendly place.
  4. Weather-Appropriate Outfit Tea
    1. Lots of us silly baboons agreed to live in Canada, and that means we deal with weather that is volatile, unpredictable and altogether unreliable. It’s supposed to be hot, but maybe cold, or I don’t know could it be windy but also humid but still snowing and also hey is that a thunderstorm dancing with a rainbow over there in the distance? I myself am always very, very confused about how to dress myself in the morning despite being an “adult”. I always feel like I never reaaaalllllly dress for the right weather, and let me tell you if it turns out to be too hot for this jean jacket I’m wearing well TOO BAD. IT COMPLETES MY OUTFIT AND WITHOUT IT I WOULD HAVE TO START ALL OVER. Drink this calming peppermint tea and find yourself in a state of absolute certainty (and accuracy) regarding your choice of clothing for the day.
  5. Dog-walking Tea
    1. The primary reason I don’t have my own dog right now is because I wouldn’t have the time to walk a dog. I work fulltime, my roommate works fulltime, and dogs need to be walked three times a day. Paying a dogwalker is a viable option, but I have not yet budgeted for that. I love dogs. Sometimes I just sit on pet adoption websites and – well this took a sad little turn. Now, if I could just drink some lemony tea that manifested someone to walk my dog for free midday, I think I would be in (dog) business. Hello, dog I will give a human name to. Welcome to my life.

I bought Matcha Tea earlier so that’s probably a start.

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Taking pictures of dogs

So I’m sure everyone who has or has had a dog knows how important it is to share pictures of said dog with literally anyone who has ever crossed paths with you because guys did you know how cute my dog is? No? You didn’t know how cute my dog is? Here, take a quick lil’ look at how cute my dog is.

Here’s the thing about having dogs, or really any pets in general. We the dog owners are convinced we have the most well-rounded, good-looking, and promising little nutcases the world (nay, the universe) has ever seen. We want everyone to marvel at the level of intelligence and the depth of intuition our dogs possess. So we take lots and lots of pictures of our canine roommates. Because we’re proud of them. Because we’ve invested our love in them. Because we genuinely think they’re the most charming little muppets this side of town.

I mean, for the love of Vanilla Ice, the photo at the top of my blog is a picture I took of a dog I saw this one time. Yeah, sometimes I take pictures of other dogs too. They’re all a bunch of goofy goblins and I’ll be damned if anyone tells me I can’t be friends with every single one of them.

Generally, I’m as guilty of this practice as you are. My dog, a rescue pup, is a mutt who lives back home with the family. When I’m there you best believe I’m carving out time to sit my dog in front of a Beyonce-approved wind machine so I can Annie Liebovitz the day away. I regularly ask family members who still live with him to send me pictures when i can’t be there myself. Hey, by the way, did you guys know how cute my dog is? I’m available anytime to show you how cute my dog is.

All this to say you and I are spending a lot of time taking pictures of our dogs and we generally like pictures of our dogs. So what follows are my top 5 dog picture-themed business ideas. If you need me, I’ll be sitting on a goldmine. Disclaimer: These probably already exist in some way, shape or form. So in actuality I’ll be trying to sit on goldmines that don’t belong to me.

  1. Dog Photo-sharing App: Imagine Instagram but only for pictures of your gosh-darned dog, and your friends’ dogs. Think of all the filters. Think of all the “likes”. Think of all the time you’ll spend making sure Fido looks like he’s having a better time than he actually is on a daily basis.
  2. Professional Dog Portrait Artists: I don’t know about you but all I really want is for my dog to be immortalized in an oil painting. He might not like sitting still for long but whoever I hire to do this will just have to DEAL WITH THAT. I’M PAYING YOU SO MUCH MONEY.
  3. Dog Tinder: I know, you’d probably be the one swiping for your dog because dogs are dogs and they can’t really swipe much of anything. But who cares because nobody knows who your dog should mate with more than you do!
  4. Dog Selfie Stick: Again you might have to be the one to hold onto this because dogs are dogs and also you probably don’t need a separate selfie stick for dogs other than the one that already exists for people but what if this one had some sort of ok no just forget it. This one isn’t going to work (BUT THE OTHERS ARE BRILLIANT).
  5. Camera that attaches to the head of your dog: I mean this is self-explanatory. Attach a camera to your dog’s head that periodically takes pictures of him as he walks around doing dog stuff and just upload everything at the end of any given day. I don’t really know 100% how to pull this off but I have a good feeling about it.

Until these ideas are generating enough revenue, take this time to take a picture of your dog and try not to share it with your entire network. Just kidding, that’s not possible. SHARE IT. SHARE IT WITH ME. DO YOU NEED MY EMAIL ADDRESS?????

Bye 4 now.

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Bug

This past Sunday I was making my way to a friend’s apartment. We had plans to go out, as we always do, because we are very cool.

I was but 5 minutes away from her place when disaster struck in the form of a bug. Some neanderthal insect flew directly into my left eye, and in the middle of the sidewalk, I was forced to desperately pry it off my contact lens. Soon after that, my eye turned a shade of red I’d like to call “NOT CUTE”.

After about an hour of panicking over what I was CONVINCED was an exotic bug disease, my vigorous application of eye drops kicked in and I was better than ever.

 

Here, I list the ten possible reasons why this bug flew into my eye.

 

  1. He wanted to wear my shade of eyeball. He saw my eyeball and said to himself “I THINK THAT’S GOING TO REALLY BRING OUT MY ANTENNAE. I MUST DRAPE MYSELF IN THAT COLOUR.”
  2. He mistook my eye for his friend Brenda. Brenda usually looks like a human eyeball. He wanted to at least give her a friendly hug, because gosh darn it, it’s been awhile.
  3. He simply took a wrong turn. It was either go left or go eyeball, and he just really wasn’t sure which choice was the right choice.
  4. He’s a daredevil. He thought to himself “Hey, you know what I haven’t done yet? Bungee jumping. You know what else I haven’t done? Flying into an eyeball. YOLOOOOOOOOO”.
  5. He had never seen a contact lens before and figured this was his once-in-a-lifetime shot to get up and personal with one.
  6. He wasn’t himself that day. He was tired, frustrated, and generally out of it, and just didn’t care where he ended up. Happens to bugs too, y’all.
  7. He thought my eye was the door to Narnia. In his defence, if I thought I saw the door to Narnia I would also just go for it. IT’S NARNIA.
  8. He thought my eye was a mirror. He saw something in his teeth when he glanced at me, and was simply trying for a better look.
  9. He’s troubled. He loves to cause misery wherever he goes. Just last week he slapped a dog in the face.
  10. He’s a bug with a small bug brain and I’m probably over-thinking this.
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My 2014 resolutions

  1. Incorporate many varieties of seafood into my diet, because often cooked seafood looks the same way it did when it was alive. I am very uncomfortable with this, and yet I feel as though there is some deep, metaphorical lesson to be learned here. With time, not only will I be able to eat all types of seafood, but I will learn this lesson.  It will have a deep impact on me.
  2. Walk the family dog whenever I’m in town. This will mean more bonding between us, and perhaps in the long run I will receive the same love from him that my father does. This love will be the kind of love that inspires me to do something great with my life. Probably.
  3. Wear even more black. I wear a lot of black already but the more black I wear the more people will respect me. I will need this respect for real life stuff.
  4. Do a better job of keeping my apartment clean. I heard something about Feng Shui 10 years ago and it sounded pretty cool.
  5. Go clubbing. This is how I am going to free my spirit through dance and inappropriate advances from strangers.  Not to mention I might finally learn to walk in heels.
  6. Call my friends instead of texting them. Hearing his/her voice is important, and video chatting is only for supermodels and/or pretending not to watch yourself when really all you’re doing is watching yourself.
  7. Do volunteer work. This will translate into “having things to do” and all that time I devote to being Beyonce in front of my mirror really isn’t doing anything for my resume, or mankind.
  8. Purchase a raincoat. It won’t look cute, but practicality is the mark of a real adult. Plus, I’ll stay dry, so, that’s a thing.
  9. Keep a journal, and write in it once a day. That way, I won’t be tempted to make everyone who follows me on social media aware of all of the boring things I do. I’ll have already told someone; me. Me is enough, sometimes (unless I take a great picture and apply such a spot-on filter that everyone MUST SEE IT).
  10. Learn the differences between types of wine. I’m getting to a point where bartenders just want to mother me because wine confuses me endlessly, even if it’s usually what I order.
  11. Check out museums for all that culture people keep telling me about. When inside a museum, actually read the little plaques that accompany the pictures, sculptures, images etc. They are not just there for you to nod at and immediately ignore.
  12. Stop downloading sad music. This is what we gravitate to when we are sad. This will make things so much worse and TOO INTROSPECTIVE. Only download happy music, or pay the price later.  Hello breakups, bad days at the office, and generally anything not good: meet the sad music that will DRIVE YOU INTO A DEPRESSION YOU DID NOT NEED TO EXPERIENCE.
  13.  Try weird flavours of gum. I don’t have a good reason for this, I’m just trying to be adventurous, but not so adventurous that I experience fear of any kind.
  14. Find a way to tell people you eat gluten-free that won’t make them roll their eyes. This will be a challenge, but it happens often enough that it needs to be dealt with. I won’t be making apologies for my sensitive stomach but I will be rocking your world with how pretend-casual I am about it.
  15. Suck it up, and admit to really enjoying unattractive pyjamas.
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