comedy, humour

Tea

I love flavoured hot water. So yeah. I throw an alarming amount of money at tea.

When I feel like a fancy lady I go to specialty tea shops and nod along as I convincingly pretend to listen to the many, many benefits of drinking different types of tea. Oh this one makes my skin look 200 years younger? This one is the cure to the common cold? You say this one, this one right over here, this one allows me to travel through time? JUST POINT ME TO THE ONE THAT TASTES LIKE A CUPCAKE COVERED IN FRIENDSHIP AND LET’S CALL IT A DAY.

My quest for the perfect tea is a cruel journey I do not wish on anyone. Here are five flavours of tea I can’t seem to find anywhere.

  1. Voicemail Remover Tea
    1. This one goes out to all my people who leave voicemails that go on long enough to warrant you a brand new identity in a place too far for the voicemail recipient to ever be able to afford to call you back and judge you. You know what I’m talking about. The voicemail starts out real nice and straightforward. You need to call someone to tell them something and oops they don’t pick up but hey that’s what voicemail is for and somehow now I’m leaving you a message about the dressing I put on my salad today. Drink this tea and not only do you taste a hint of vanilla but all of a sudden you’ll have the option to remove a voicemail message from someone else’s phone, and simultaneously erase their memory in case they already heard it.
  2. Very Affordable Euro-Trip Tea
    1. You know what’s the most fun? Travelling to Europe. It’s culturally diverse, beautiful, and rich in history. Plus you’ll meet a whole bunch of wonderful strangers. For funsies though, let us remember that travel is expensive in general. Travel to Europe is the most expensive. So what does one do when one needs a new profile picture for Facebook, if one can’t just up and travel to Europe? Everyone knows THE BEST PROFILE PICTURES ARE TAKEN IN EUROPE (and all that other nonsense about how travelling to Europe is rewarding and forget it I just want that profile picture set against a backdrop that says “Hey man. I’m just hanging out and minding my own business IN FRANCE SO ZUT ALORS YOUR WAY OUT OF MY FACE”). Drink this chai-flavored tea and find yourself with a fancy vacation in Europe for the price of [insert small amount of money here].
  3. All-Inclusive Netflix Tea
    1. I appreciate Netflix for what it is and all the drop-dead-gorgeous convenience it offers me. But because of things like running a business and finances and revenue streams and other bananas stuff like that, not every show and/or every movie is available on Netflix. This is just the way the world works, you greedy gargoyles, so stop complaining. But if I may (complain), I’m really not impressed with the fact that television gems like “The O.C” are not available to me on command. Drink this zesty orange tea, and find yourself watching all the soapy drama or reality television you want because it is now all here for you in one user-friendly place.
  4. Weather-Appropriate Outfit Tea
    1. Lots of us silly baboons agreed to live in Canada, and that means we deal with weather that is volatile, unpredictable and altogether unreliable. It’s supposed to be hot, but maybe cold, or I don’t know could it be windy but also humid but still snowing and also hey is that a thunderstorm dancing with a rainbow over there in the distance? I myself am always very, very confused about how to dress myself in the morning despite being an “adult”. I always feel like I never reaaaalllllly dress for the right weather, and let me tell you if it turns out to be too hot for this jean jacket I’m wearing well TOO BAD. IT COMPLETES MY OUTFIT AND WITHOUT IT I WOULD HAVE TO START ALL OVER. Drink this calming peppermint tea and find yourself in a state of absolute certainty (and accuracy) regarding your choice of clothing for the day.
  5. Dog-walking Tea
    1. The primary reason I don’t have my own dog right now is because I wouldn’t have the time to walk a dog. I work fulltime, my roommate works fulltime, and dogs need to be walked three times a day. Paying a dogwalker is a viable option, but I have not yet budgeted for that. I love dogs. Sometimes I just sit on pet adoption websites and – well this took a sad little turn. Now, if I could just drink some lemony tea that manifested someone to walk my dog for free midday, I think I would be in (dog) business. Hello, dog I will give a human name to. Welcome to my life.

I bought Matcha Tea earlier so that’s probably a start.

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Ode to 7-dollar sweatpants

I knew when I saw you that I had to have you.

You were soft. You were tastefully understated. You were classy, without trying too hard.

When I approached you my heart was racing. Part of me thought we could never be together. The other part of me knew I would do whatever it took to make you mine.

As I grazed your price tag, I could feel the goosebumps forming. Would this be the kind of tale ending in tragedy, or triumph? My eyes were a well of the happiest tears when I saw it: “on sale”, for the low low price of seven dollars.

When I tried you on, the word “Hallelujah” formed on my lips. The perfect fit for the perfect price. What had I done to deserve you?

Now you are home with me, resting peacefully. I give you my word to love and cherish you for all of eternity. I’ll use a gentle detergent too I guess?

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Scars

Calm down, because this post isn’t going to be about “emotional scars”, although MOM SERIOUSLY YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ME UGGS IN HIGH SCHOOL EVERYBODY ELSE HAD THEM.

Here are some categories of physical scars instead. How fun!

  • The “Hero” Scar: This is the scar you have because you did something so goddamn wonderful that God himself automatically exclaimed “oh em gee here you go human, here is the code word for the pearly gates, which you will only need after you live the coolest, longest life ever”. For example, I have a scar underneath my left knee from the time I saved my dog from another dog who, fun fact, chose to viciously bite me instead.
  • The “What Can I Pretend Happened” Scar: This is the scar that happened in an embarrassing, highly avoidable and/or pathetic way. This time, the only reason God was paying attention was so he could vigorously pretend you were an accident. I don’t know why God is figuring so prominently in this blog post. For example, my second week on exchange I managed to slice my finger open with a knife whilst trying to open a package in the kitchen. I needed minor surgery for nerve damage. I have no doubt my parents are still wondering how they can spin the story.
  • The “Uh?” Scar: This is the scar you know you have, because you’ve seen it, but you have never figured out how it happened. This is the scar that is more puzzling than the reason for Pitbull’s music career (although sidebar, that song “Timber” is catchy and I want it to be the soundtrack to everything I do).  For example, I have on my chest a super faint white scar that I fail to understand. Straight up, what happened to me? Aliens? Probably the alien thing.
  • The “Athlete” Scar: This is the scar that was incurred while playing a sport. You gave it your all, you probably scored a goal or something, but you still ended up injured as all hell. I’d like to give an example of my own, but one does not exist, because I barely know what sports are. I do use the gym though, because HEALTH! Right? No scars from that yet although I definitely wouldn’t rule it out in the future, those machines are dangerous.
  • The “Someone Else Is A Real Dillhole” Scar: This is the scar that somebody else caused. This is the scar that was out of your control. This is not to be confused with the “Hero” scar because in this case, you didn’t actually do anything nice for anyone. You didn’t actually do anything at all. The scar just happened to you because someone else sucks.  Again, I don’t have an example, but I imagine it goes something like “YOU DEFINITELY PUSHED ME OFF OF THIS LEDGE. I WAS JUST EATING MY LUNCH ON THIS LEDGE. NOW I’M ON THE GROUND, LUNCHLESS AND LEDGELESS. WITH SCAR. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME????”

So, have fun revisiting all your scars and trying to categorize them. I’m sure I forgot some categories. I’m not perfect. 

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Adult

Now, I’m only 22 (for another month) but here are some lessons I’ve learned about “growing up”:

  1. At a certain point your metabolism sits you down and says “I think we should start seeing other people” and moves on to a younger model immediately. As an adult, you actually have to do things like eat right and work out to maintain your figure/overall health.
  2. Everything costs money. Credit card bills need to get paid. Watching your spending becomes a thing. I have said “first drink is on me” to many people, but I have checked, and it turns out I am not made of money. Better luck next promise.
  3. Driving was fun for about 5 minutes after I got my license. In the years that followed, it became a real pain in my rear. Parking? What makes you think I’m interested in doing that? Hello public transportation, you beautiful little treat.
  4. Finding a job is not as easy as realizing your next-door-neighbor has a kid that could REALLY USE YOUR BABYSITTING SKILLS. It takes work, determination, and optimism in the face of rejection.
  5. This one goes out to all the people who live alone: there is no one else around to kill that spider for you.
  6. You might not be able to continue wearing offensive clothing. Goodbye, tank top with massive middle finger on it. Actually, that may never have been appropriate. 
  7. You need to liberate space in your brain for learning, so that you can keep up in school or in your place of work. Knowing an entire Kanye West song off by heart is less and less impressive as the years roll on.
  8. Go out and party when there’s all this nothing to do in bed? I DON’T THINK SO. Generally, if the weather is in any way “not spring” or “not summer”, there’s no real reason for me to try and have any fun.
  9. Saying “like” in every sentence is akin to dragging your nails down a chalkboard. I can’t get away with this anymore, but dear god do I want to.
  10. Music is too loud. TV is too loud. Everything is too loud, including my own thought process. Peace and quiet for the absolute win.

 

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How to survive the cold weather

  • Wear two jackets. You’ll not only look fierce, but if you fall on ice you’ll be all like WHO CARES I GOT MAD PADDING Y’ALLLLLLLL.
  • Bring a warm drink with you everywhere. This is useful for heating up from the inside out and accidentally heating up from the outside in (I like to spill it spill it, you like to spill it spill it, we like to, SPILL IT).
  • Crank up the heating in your apartment such that your monthly utilities bill is the highest bill in all the land.
  • Microwave all your food, not because the food will be hot, but because sitting on a warm microwave while you eat said food is what dreams are made of.
  • Get a pet and cuddle the love right out of it.
  • Build a fireplace in your heart.
  • Do a lot of cardio in virtually every single situation you find yourself in. Cardio while watching TV? DONE! Cardio while cooking? MAYBE NOT THE SMARTEST IDEA BUT DONE. Cardio during a class presentation? BONUS POINTS FOR CREATIVITY AND DONE. Cardio while using scissors? HOSPITAL VISIT BUT IT’LL BE WARM THERE ANYWAY SO…DONE.
  • Travel to an exotic locale. Realize you were meant to live in this place and burn through your money trying to not ever leave. Also maybe get an actual burn. That’ll be uncomfortable but there’s no better way to feel too hot if that’s what you’re into.
  • Step into fire. This is not ideal but in a way it kind of is because it gets the job done.
  • Maybe just never go outside. It’ll be weird and you’ll get lonely. You might lose your job or your friends. You may even get kicked out of school but damn homey, you’ll be as warm as the day is long (in the summertime though….during the winter I think we can all agree days are less long and more so short I feel the sads coming on by 4 o clock).

Stay warm, interwebs.

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My 2014 resolutions

  1. Incorporate many varieties of seafood into my diet, because often cooked seafood looks the same way it did when it was alive. I am very uncomfortable with this, and yet I feel as though there is some deep, metaphorical lesson to be learned here. With time, not only will I be able to eat all types of seafood, but I will learn this lesson.  It will have a deep impact on me.
  2. Walk the family dog whenever I’m in town. This will mean more bonding between us, and perhaps in the long run I will receive the same love from him that my father does. This love will be the kind of love that inspires me to do something great with my life. Probably.
  3. Wear even more black. I wear a lot of black already but the more black I wear the more people will respect me. I will need this respect for real life stuff.
  4. Do a better job of keeping my apartment clean. I heard something about Feng Shui 10 years ago and it sounded pretty cool.
  5. Go clubbing. This is how I am going to free my spirit through dance and inappropriate advances from strangers.  Not to mention I might finally learn to walk in heels.
  6. Call my friends instead of texting them. Hearing his/her voice is important, and video chatting is only for supermodels and/or pretending not to watch yourself when really all you’re doing is watching yourself.
  7. Do volunteer work. This will translate into “having things to do” and all that time I devote to being Beyonce in front of my mirror really isn’t doing anything for my resume, or mankind.
  8. Purchase a raincoat. It won’t look cute, but practicality is the mark of a real adult. Plus, I’ll stay dry, so, that’s a thing.
  9. Keep a journal, and write in it once a day. That way, I won’t be tempted to make everyone who follows me on social media aware of all of the boring things I do. I’ll have already told someone; me. Me is enough, sometimes (unless I take a great picture and apply such a spot-on filter that everyone MUST SEE IT).
  10. Learn the differences between types of wine. I’m getting to a point where bartenders just want to mother me because wine confuses me endlessly, even if it’s usually what I order.
  11. Check out museums for all that culture people keep telling me about. When inside a museum, actually read the little plaques that accompany the pictures, sculptures, images etc. They are not just there for you to nod at and immediately ignore.
  12. Stop downloading sad music. This is what we gravitate to when we are sad. This will make things so much worse and TOO INTROSPECTIVE. Only download happy music, or pay the price later.  Hello breakups, bad days at the office, and generally anything not good: meet the sad music that will DRIVE YOU INTO A DEPRESSION YOU DID NOT NEED TO EXPERIENCE.
  13.  Try weird flavours of gum. I don’t have a good reason for this, I’m just trying to be adventurous, but not so adventurous that I experience fear of any kind.
  14. Find a way to tell people you eat gluten-free that won’t make them roll their eyes. This will be a challenge, but it happens often enough that it needs to be dealt with. I won’t be making apologies for my sensitive stomach but I will be rocking your world with how pretend-casual I am about it.
  15. Suck it up, and admit to really enjoying unattractive pyjamas.
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