comedy, humour


I love flavoured hot water. So yeah. I throw an alarming amount of money at tea.

When I feel like a fancy lady I go to specialty tea shops and nod along as I convincingly pretend to listen to the many, many benefits of drinking different types of tea. Oh this one makes my skin look 200 years younger? This one is the cure to the common cold? You say this one, this one right over here, this one allows me to travel through time? JUST POINT ME TO THE ONE THAT TASTES LIKE A CUPCAKE COVERED IN FRIENDSHIP AND LET’S CALL IT A DAY.

My quest for the perfect tea is a cruel journey I do not wish on anyone. Here are five flavours of tea I can’t seem to find anywhere.

  1. Voicemail Remover Tea
    1. This one goes out to all my people who leave voicemails that go on long enough to warrant you a brand new identity in a place too far for the voicemail recipient to ever be able to afford to call you back and judge you. You know what I’m talking about. The voicemail starts out real nice and straightforward. You need to call someone to tell them something and oops they don’t pick up but hey that’s what voicemail is for and somehow now I’m leaving you a message about the dressing I put on my salad today. Drink this tea and not only do you taste a hint of vanilla but all of a sudden you’ll have the option to remove a voicemail message from someone else’s phone, and simultaneously erase their memory in case they already heard it.
  2. Very Affordable Euro-Trip Tea
    1. You know what’s the most fun? Travelling to Europe. It’s culturally diverse, beautiful, and rich in history. Plus you’ll meet a whole bunch of wonderful strangers. For funsies though, let us remember that travel is expensive in general. Travel to Europe is the most expensive. So what does one do when one needs a new profile picture for Facebook, if one can’t just up and travel to Europe? Everyone knows THE BEST PROFILE PICTURES ARE TAKEN IN EUROPE (and all that other nonsense about how travelling to Europe is rewarding and forget it I just want that profile picture set against a backdrop that says “Hey man. I’m just hanging out and minding my own business IN FRANCE SO ZUT ALORS YOUR WAY OUT OF MY FACE”). Drink this chai-flavored tea and find yourself with a fancy vacation in Europe for the price of [insert small amount of money here].
  3. All-Inclusive Netflix Tea
    1. I appreciate Netflix for what it is and all the drop-dead-gorgeous convenience it offers me. But because of things like running a business and finances and revenue streams and other bananas stuff like that, not every show and/or every movie is available on Netflix. This is just the way the world works, you greedy gargoyles, so stop complaining. But if I may (complain), I’m really not impressed with the fact that television gems like “The O.C” are not available to me on command. Drink this zesty orange tea, and find yourself watching all the soapy drama or reality television you want because it is now all here for you in one user-friendly place.
  4. Weather-Appropriate Outfit Tea
    1. Lots of us silly baboons agreed to live in Canada, and that means we deal with weather that is volatile, unpredictable and altogether unreliable. It’s supposed to be hot, but maybe cold, or I don’t know could it be windy but also humid but still snowing and also hey is that a thunderstorm dancing with a rainbow over there in the distance? I myself am always very, very confused about how to dress myself in the morning despite being an “adult”. I always feel like I never reaaaalllllly dress for the right weather, and let me tell you if it turns out to be too hot for this jean jacket I’m wearing well TOO BAD. IT COMPLETES MY OUTFIT AND WITHOUT IT I WOULD HAVE TO START ALL OVER. Drink this calming peppermint tea and find yourself in a state of absolute certainty (and accuracy) regarding your choice of clothing for the day.
  5. Dog-walking Tea
    1. The primary reason I don’t have my own dog right now is because I wouldn’t have the time to walk a dog. I work fulltime, my roommate works fulltime, and dogs need to be walked three times a day. Paying a dogwalker is a viable option, but I have not yet budgeted for that. I love dogs. Sometimes I just sit on pet adoption websites and – well this took a sad little turn. Now, if I could just drink some lemony tea that manifested someone to walk my dog for free midday, I think I would be in (dog) business. Hello, dog I will give a human name to. Welcome to my life.

I bought Matcha Tea earlier so that’s probably a start.